The Stork and Other Wild Beasts

She shimmered in her Sunday finery and blinked, waiting for my reply. Crowds of people slipped past us, oblivious to my dilemma. Little ears were listening in… “Where did you get them?” Her lipstick-bright smile did nothing to quell my rising panic. “Where did they come from?” She insisted, “Are they related?”

(Where did I get them? THE STORK. Where did you think babies came from?!!!) (No, I didn’t say this either. But that’d be a fun response.)

Them, they, they…were right there, listening. Hanging on to every word. And the lady? Her fascination ran away with her. She asked too much. Observed them like some exotic creatures across the safety ditch at a zoo. You know, mama bear feelings. Or mama tiger. Talking about someone in front of someone, while pointing at someone is so…

We want to protect our kids from all the weird stuff, don’t we? I mean, words can take a wild, unexpected turn. (It only takes a spark…) We’ve seen it happen in our own experiences, in our own homes. The whole speaking before thinking thing. I know I’m guilty of it. But this moment confused my daughter. She’d always known about her adoption, but now other people were beginning to point it out. Publicly. She began to question her origins more. An element of insecurity generated some fear.

The lady meant no harm. Her vocabulary, however, was insufficient to match her approval of our family. We were under no kind of racist threat, but this has happened often. People are insatiably curious. But unlike the 6- year-old I mentioned in the last post, the woman had more persistence, more drive to know what she didn’t. She desired to be privy to private information…

How to be ready for times like this, especially when the children are young? Don’t be afraid to put your foot down. Their stories are sacred. Share on your own terms, when it’s right or appropriate. “You are so kind, thank you for your interest…” I personally prefer the redirect, otherwise known as ignoring the probe and moving on to something else. Like actual introductions instead of finger pointing. Your kid’s adorable little faces will totally distract.

Talk about these incidents as soon as they happen. Gather your children close and reassure them of their forever-place in your family. “Remember that crazy lady at church? She just likes you. She didn’t mean to make you feel strange. Do you have any questions?…” (I just want to add that letting a kid cry it out is super-important. Smoothing over a situation doesn’t mean ignoring the pain it may have caused.)

Before I sent two of my kiddos off to camp a few weeks ago, we talked about times like this over dinner. “Hey, kids, it’s your story. It’s up to you if you want to share it. If someone asks you about your adoption, and you don’t want to talk about it, just tell them that you don’t want to talk about it. If you do, you go right ahead. They might ask stupid questions like: why did your birth mom give you up…and are you brother and sister (duh). I’m sorry. That’ll probably hurt. Your Dad and I will be praying for you the whole time.”

I loved what I saw in their eyes. Strength. Resilience. They’d get through a great week of camp with the tools they needed to navigate all the Q’s.

1. It’s their choice to share
2. They can walk away
3. We understand the weird and the pain
4. We would be praying for them

We can’t control what other people say and ask, but we can learn to manage the beasts like a circus master. And what’s cool? Our kids will learn too.