To B

Posted On October 23, 2019

What if…

What if your babies had lived? What if you had them as planned?

Do you ever dream of the what ifs? Sometimes my mind wanders there. What if I hadn’t gone through the grief and loss? What would have happened if… So many imaginings can cloud the horizon and dizzy my focus like the wrong pair of glasses.

No. That’s a wompy, dreamland-kind of comparison that can’t do anyone any good. Not those kinds of what-ifs. (Just pretend wompy is a word.)

The other day, one of my chicks got all caught up in those thoughts. She stood there, brow furrowed. “What if you’d had them, Mom? What if you had your babies and not us?”

Her innocent, piercing wonderings…

Did you hear my heart crack a little? Yeah. But there’s one thing my kids never were, and that’s plan B. Nope. Not on your life.

I shrugged my shoulders. “It was never them or you. You three were always going to be my kids. Always.”

Her expression relaxed. “Oh. Then we would have all been together?”

“Yes. Together.” I wrapped her in my arms. I can’t imagine my life without her.

My children aren’t life’s lemons and I’m just making the best of it. We aren’t living out our days in a faux, pseudo family-like fashion. We aren’t pretending. And they aren’t a rerouted detour from a better highway. They’re the whole alphabet-enchilada.

Sometimes, though, we assume a plan means one thing and not another. We can’t help it, can we? We can really only see one step ahead. Maybe adoption didn’t blossom in your heart until later? Maybe after you had biological children, or maybe after you lost them…

Sure, maybe there are many ifs and thens. Actions and consequences. But aren’t they encapsulated in one, solid fact?

How and when you were inspired begins and ends with the Alpha and Omega. From start to finish, these kids are the product of God’s perfect will. Ya’ll (I’m from Kentucky) can nestle in that truth. And they can too.

It’s the Big Story going on, gals.

Psalm 37:23 “The steps of a man are established by the LORD, and He delights in his way.”